Lost

Some nights leave me speechless in a way I cannot explain.

Some mornings I wake up with not much memory of the night before which is probably for the best.

Laying in bed, at about 10pm last night, everything hit me. All the bad things, all the people I’d lost, all the things I’m missing out on.

I felt empty.

I felt alone.

I couldn’t even take my makeup off, I couldn’t even turn my light off, I couldn’t even go to sleep.

It took me twenty minutes to build the motivation to take off my makeup and even that was slightly forced.

I don’t like to openly talk about these feelings, I don’t like to message my friends when I feel like this, why bring other people down just because I feel a bit sad? People have it worse, people always have it worse.

I wander alone through a field, lost in a tangle of negative thoughts. With not enough room on the shelf or cupboards of my mind they escape, barging out of the places I hide them. I try to push them back but they keep moving forward towards the front of my brain, to the loudest part of my being.

I lay in bed and where I would usually spill words on to a page; I cannot, picking up a pen is hard and I have nothing I want to say.

Except the looming loneliness and fear or rejection, the idea that I haven’t spoken to a certain person in 5 days and how that’s the worst thing that’s happened.

It’s as if loneliness has consumed my entire being and it’s all I can think of. . .maybe that’s where this stems from.

Nothing bad has happened that day. That’s the problem. There is nothing and no one to blame, only myself and my overactive mind. 

But, who doesn’t think too much?
There is nowhere I’d rather be than tucked up in bed falling asleep; but I am there and I hate it.

Maybe this doesn’t make sense.

Nothing bad has happened, just smile, watch something funny, be a little happier, why are you even sad?

I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.

These thoughts don’t come often but they bring a painful thunder and several bolts of lightening. They bring rain storms or hail. 

Somewhere along the line, things turned black and white.

I mean, this isn’t a constant feeling, I feel happy in the moment, I feel fine. It’s just, I look back on the day or week and nothing happened.

Regardless of what happened - nothing happened.

I don’t know why I’m rambling about this but it’s always best to get things off your chest - right?

It just seems to be one thing after another at the moment. I have exams which are always an added stress.
Though summer is getting ever closer (and PLL season 6 ha!) and that seems to be the only thing that brings any brightness.

Anyway, I should be back to posting slightly more regularly soon (she says. . .again), especially come the holidays when I have as much time as I need.