Something I do far too often and far too foolishly is put all my happiness in other people - I’m yet to figure out why I do this. Maybe it’s because other people make me happier than I feel I could possibly make myself; but it’s becoming a problem. See, when I talk to a person once or twice I feel a connection, we ‘click’ and suddenly I become attached, I think too much into things and they become the only person I want to talk to. Talking to them makes me happy and not talking to them becomes weird and uncomfortable.
I don’t recommend doing this.
I’m not sure how I started doing this but it’s certainly not a recent thing, for as long as I can remember I’ve been a clingy person (something I’m not afraid (though slightly embarrassed) to admit), I’ve always wanted to keep hold of relationships even when I know they’re over and there’s no going back. I hate losing people.
Something I learnt last year was that part of growing up is losing friends and growing out of relationships with certain people, as we grow we change and as we change our interests change. This is not our fault and not something we should look down on ourselves for. But I do. I learnt that losing friends is part of becoming who you are yet somehow I have to keep learning that because I find letting go of people so hard.
Talking to new people is something I love, or getting to know people I’ve known for a long time but never spoken to much is a huge thing for me. I love talking to people and learning about people but it never seems to end well for me. If we talk for a few weeks there’s a high chance I’ll miss you if we don’t talk for a few days, even if there’s nothing between us. I don’t tend to do this with people I’ve been friends with for a while, or just friends, hm.
I feel like it’s part of my overthinking process. Oh you started a conversation with me yesterday and today? Wow. Perhaps that’s because I struggle to start conversations with people that I assume others do too rather than the fact they’re just looking for a chat. I think too deeply and too anxiously about why he said that and what does that emoji mean. Is that anxiety or is that my love of literature and language going too far? I’m unsure.
Similarly, the overthinking works the other way. They didn’t message me today? Must not like me. Being a bit blunt? Clearly doesn’t like me. Which is crazy because I get blunt and I don’t message people but that doesn’t mean I hate them so why do I feel this way when the roles are reversed?
Attachment to one person is hard because as soon as they’re gone, that happiness is gone and suddenly everything comes crashing, quickly. Every time I learn to pick myself up and put myself together and every other time I forget.
It’s something that can romanticised on social media, specifically tumblr, but it’s not pretty or cute. Putting all your happiness in someone to have it ripped out weeks later is not something worth romanticising. Please find happiness within yourself and within your being.
I’m trying to get out of this, what seems, endless cycle but I find myself falling back into it again and again.
Sometimes I need to write to get out feelings I’ve been harbouring for too long, I’m sorry this is unstructured and has no relevance to anything but I write things like this a lot and they just get stored on my laptop away from the world but I haven’t posted for a while and maybe it’s worth sharing how I’ve been feeling.
