somethings

There’s something about the days when you notice the small things, when you fall in love with life and all it holds.

I fall in love with taking photographs, however they turn out - clear, blurry, sharp or too dark. Points of interest or a simple shadow on the floor, I fall in love with the use of the camera on my phone and just how many memories it can secure.

I love busy tubes, we’re all cramped in this one space; there’s no room to move and you can barely budge an arm without hitting someone, an abundance of ‘oops, sorry’’s. People huff and puff but I like it, everyone is heading to a different place and everyone has a different end goal. It’s probably far too hot and you’re way too small to reach the top bar but I guess being stuck between five people lowers your chances of falling as the tube comes to a flying halt. The five-seven o’clock has got people heading from every area in London to another, back home or back to work and there you are. . .exploring the beauty. Who knew you’d find it heading to Green Park on the Piccadilly line.

I sometimes fall desperately in love with the arts; literature, photographs, paintings, whatever it may be it is beautiful. That quote I saw on tumblr, that unforgettable portrait in a gallery or that certain paragraph in the book you’re reading. I wish I was better, I wish I was more capable at any of them; at all of them.

Perhaps this is another example of how I fall too easily.

The people stopping on the bridge to get the perfectly angled picture of the London Eye (me included). People rushing to catch the tube, eagerly wanting to get to the next stop as soon as possible. The man stood watching Big Ben as his time lapse captures the sun set, who knows how long he’s been there.

The thing is, this is your life and why should you not fall in love with everything about it, why shouldn’t you love everything around you; be it where you live or where you’re travelling. 

The little things and the big things, I just wish I could see things out of those eyes everyday. The eyes where I’m happy and everything is beautiful, every colour a tad sharper. 

Because, in reality, these things are not overly attractive. The tube is sweaty and breathless at rush hour; my photos tend to look awful when they’re blurry; people stopping in the middle of the road is annoying and ‘in the way’; I am not as good as I wish I was at writing, taking photos and I certainly cannot draw.

But maybe through my alternate eyes I can keep believing, keep seeing the allure of the world. I can’t wait for the next day where I fall for the world.

{this post was inspired by my recent trip to london (obviously) you can find some sexy (bad) pictures over on my instagram -> instagram.com/sxmiiecast}

old flames

I don’t think I ever understood how people saw galaxies in other people until I looked into his eyes, I saw the moon and stars swirling in a sea of blue. I saw the universe appear and disappear as his eyes opened and closed; the way the night sky disappears as you slowly fall asleep.

I never imagined a feeling so deep but when he laughed so hard that his face crinkled in on itself I’ve never wanted to hold on to someone so much.

I don’t know if I’ll ever get how you can fall so hard without the feeling being mutual. When I looked at him I saw the world, I saw everything I ever wanted to see; when he looked back he saw nothing but a friend, someone who’d be there to talk about other girls too. 

When he giggles, ruffles his hair and it pains me to think about how happy it made me, how happy he made me with all his little quirks. People say the point of loving someone isn’t thinking they are perfect but noticing their flaws and loving them anyway; maybe that’s what I did, though love is the wrong word. A strong feeling because I saw his flaws, I could recognise them but I liked him anyway.

I knew the words he spoke at 3am when he was over tired but didn’t want to sleep, I knew the feelings he hid to create his persona; because your naked soul is a sacred thing - it shouldn’t be thrown around. . .so why did he let me see his when he just wanted to throw me away.

It’s the memory from another time, another place but it consistently blows up in my mind when yet again I cannot stop missing him. Because, many months ago he broke you but today you remembered something he said, ‘but, it makes you happy when I call you baby?’; suddenly an explosion of memories, everything he said that made you happy and you want that back, you miss the late night conversations - you miss the small things.

You see, I’m scared of the dark but walking along the beach at night with him has never been more calming, I’ve never felt safer than wrapped in his arms.

I’ve never felt more alone than when he threw me away like I was nothing. 

I’ve never felt more pain than when I told him my deepest secrets and he told me it was my fault, that it was just a phase.

I’ve never felt more upset than when he told me all his feelings were just pretend and he just wanted me to be happy.

Everyone around me is falling, everyone around me is smitten so why am I constantly falling for a boy who is merely an echo from my past, someone I haven’t meant something too for so long? Sat wondering where it all went wrong - why can it never be right place, right time?

They say it takes twenty-one days to make or break a habit but it’s been a year and I still call your name even though I know you’re not here. It’s not easy getting over someone you almost had, maybe it’s harder than letting go of someone you did have. Almost. Almost. Almost.

Perhaps it’s pathetic but, wow, my heart still drops at the sound of your name, my throat still tightens when they talk about you and my eyes still flood when I think too deeply.

I’m sure this feeling went away, the moment you said you didn’t want ‘us’ anymore and I felt everything drop to my stomach. I never thought I’d see you again but, oh god, I did and it hurt but it made everything seem okay again. 

Only you did it again - you said it again and I broke again.

I’m scared of heartbreak and I fear rejection but with you, it seemed impossible so I gave you the opportunity: you took my heart and crushed it in your hands, more than once.

I’m sorry I still cannot get you off my mind. I’m sorry your name runs through my head like it has twice before but right now I’d rather hear your voice than my favourite song.

All I want to do is see you, feel you, be with you but I know if I do my heart will break again, I can’t let you break me thrice when I never had you once.

a fear of the dark

Walking along the beach in the dark never feels calming the way it should. 

People say the soft sounds of the waves bring an air of newness to them, the fresh sea air with a taste of salt and the smells of the sea are clear but are they calm?

Black shoes peppered with chalk and dust from pebbles.

It’s finally a clear night and the abundance of stars shine down upon you slowly walking past the dark trees, it’s too dark for shadows and it’s too late for dog walkers but the stars give you the slightest bit of light you need to breathe and feel okay.

Only, you’re afraid of the dark and all the calm is clouded by the fear. 

The tide is out, you can walk as far as you want, the sound of waves is distant yet prominent. The laughter of you and your friends is the only real sound around; it’d be easy to feel okay.

But, something within you tells you something’s wrong.

Maybe it’s too dark and the small burst of light emerging from your phone doesn’t cover an area large enough to class it as ‘seeing’.  Combined with the distant street lights, nothing is exactly convincing, nothing is promising. But everyone is calm, why aren’t you?

The silhouettes of your friends, the trees and the groynes are blacked out but loud in your mind. They’re all you can see and all you can focus on.

A walk along the beach, with no destination but just a journey is clouded by the late night. 

Perhaps I’m losing myself in the dark, but the thought of losing everyone else is the scarier part. Perhaps I’m losing faith in the calm sea and the cool breeze.

It’s always been one of my safe places but right now it doesn’t feel that way, it doesn’t feel like it does when it’s 10am and I’m walking alone, headphones in, or dipping my feet in the water as the tide comes in. Now the tide is further out than I’ve seen it in a while, although maybe it’s not because I truly can’t see it until I get too close and I don’t feel safe walking that far out.

Maybe a calm trip to the beach at 10pm isn’t a calm trip to the beach but a wave of fear as no form of light is bright enough.