the latter months

We’re currently in my favourite time of year. Approaching winter, approaching my birthday, approaching christmas.

The cold, harsh winds that kiss your face as you step out every morning - still trying to dress for summer, hiding the jumper until you can acceptably bring out your favourite christmas jumper. The nights become dark, for a while it messes with your mind it’s 3pm but the sun is setting so maybe i’ve wasted the day and it’s actually 7pm, but when you adjust it just creates a better feeling, a sort of cosiness ignored by summer.

There’s less light in the day but doesn’t that just make it. . .cosier? It’s so much more appropriate to sit in bed and watch netflix whilst drinking copious amounts of hot chocolate.

The looming thoughts of christmas and celebrating the new year, what will it bring? where will it take me?

Maybe it’s only the beginning of November but I’m already planning the beginning of 2016.

The rain turns cold, or more than cold, and you know you’re hitting the final weeks of the year - the most exciting ones.

Perhaps your favourite time of the year says a lot about you, maybe it’s more than just preference.

As christmas lights appear in every city and town centre, the hopes for a white christmas come to mind but knowing it’s never going to happen.

November babies can probably relate to the struggle that is a birthday not quite close enough to christmas but not quite far enough away. Being born just a month before christmas eve I always feel slightly too close to christmas, I kind of wish there was longer because birthdays and christmas are my two favourite things and I wish I got more time to enjoy both. Regardless - I love both.

We all know that Buble and Mariah come out to play now and, as much as we laugh and make fun of it, we all secretly love dancing around the house to those cheesy christmas songs as soon as we can. People keep saying christmas comes earlier each year but is anyone complaining?! 

For me, christmas is such a family-orientated time and I couldn’t be without the routine my family have for presents, christmas breakfast, christmas dinner and family-game-night in the evening. I love how, even though I have an insanely close family, we feel so connected over the holiday period.

I love the bare trees, maybe autumn is prettier but winter feels more real.

The weather is colder and so often, the people are too but throughout winter we are blessed with small joys and little things to keep the happiness up.

The wins we have created through the year cannot be over shadowed as we look towards the future, towards the joys of next year.

Maybe it’s slightly too early to be writing about the new year but trust me there are plenty more to come because I can never quite express my love for the November-February period.

- and some motivation should you need it - “November. Another chance to start on something new.” - 

somethings

There’s something about the days when you notice the small things, when you fall in love with life and all it holds.

I fall in love with taking photographs, however they turn out - clear, blurry, sharp or too dark. Points of interest or a simple shadow on the floor, I fall in love with the use of the camera on my phone and just how many memories it can secure.

I love busy tubes, we’re all cramped in this one space; there’s no room to move and you can barely budge an arm without hitting someone, an abundance of ‘oops, sorry’’s. People huff and puff but I like it, everyone is heading to a different place and everyone has a different end goal. It’s probably far too hot and you’re way too small to reach the top bar but I guess being stuck between five people lowers your chances of falling as the tube comes to a flying halt. The five-seven o’clock has got people heading from every area in London to another, back home or back to work and there you are. . .exploring the beauty. Who knew you’d find it heading to Green Park on the Piccadilly line.

I sometimes fall desperately in love with the arts; literature, photographs, paintings, whatever it may be it is beautiful. That quote I saw on tumblr, that unforgettable portrait in a gallery or that certain paragraph in the book you’re reading. I wish I was better, I wish I was more capable at any of them; at all of them.

Perhaps this is another example of how I fall too easily.

The people stopping on the bridge to get the perfectly angled picture of the London Eye (me included). People rushing to catch the tube, eagerly wanting to get to the next stop as soon as possible. The man stood watching Big Ben as his time lapse captures the sun set, who knows how long he’s been there.

The thing is, this is your life and why should you not fall in love with everything about it, why shouldn’t you love everything around you; be it where you live or where you’re travelling. 

The little things and the big things, I just wish I could see things out of those eyes everyday. The eyes where I’m happy and everything is beautiful, every colour a tad sharper. 

Because, in reality, these things are not overly attractive. The tube is sweaty and breathless at rush hour; my photos tend to look awful when they’re blurry; people stopping in the middle of the road is annoying and ‘in the way’; I am not as good as I wish I was at writing, taking photos and I certainly cannot draw.

But maybe through my alternate eyes I can keep believing, keep seeing the allure of the world. I can’t wait for the next day where I fall for the world.

{this post was inspired by my recent trip to london (obviously) you can find some sexy (bad) pictures over on my instagram -> instagram.com/sxmiiecast}

old flames

I don’t think I ever understood how people saw galaxies in other people until I looked into his eyes, I saw the moon and stars swirling in a sea of blue. I saw the universe appear and disappear as his eyes opened and closed; the way the night sky disappears as you slowly fall asleep.

I never imagined a feeling so deep but when he laughed so hard that his face crinkled in on itself I’ve never wanted to hold on to someone so much.

I don’t know if I’ll ever get how you can fall so hard without the feeling being mutual. When I looked at him I saw the world, I saw everything I ever wanted to see; when he looked back he saw nothing but a friend, someone who’d be there to talk about other girls too. 

When he giggles, ruffles his hair and it pains me to think about how happy it made me, how happy he made me with all his little quirks. People say the point of loving someone isn’t thinking they are perfect but noticing their flaws and loving them anyway; maybe that’s what I did, though love is the wrong word. A strong feeling because I saw his flaws, I could recognise them but I liked him anyway.

I knew the words he spoke at 3am when he was over tired but didn’t want to sleep, I knew the feelings he hid to create his persona; because your naked soul is a sacred thing - it shouldn’t be thrown around. . .so why did he let me see his when he just wanted to throw me away.

It’s the memory from another time, another place but it consistently blows up in my mind when yet again I cannot stop missing him. Because, many months ago he broke you but today you remembered something he said, ‘but, it makes you happy when I call you baby?’; suddenly an explosion of memories, everything he said that made you happy and you want that back, you miss the late night conversations - you miss the small things.

You see, I’m scared of the dark but walking along the beach at night with him has never been more calming, I’ve never felt safer than wrapped in his arms.

I’ve never felt more alone than when he threw me away like I was nothing. 

I’ve never felt more pain than when I told him my deepest secrets and he told me it was my fault, that it was just a phase.

I’ve never felt more upset than when he told me all his feelings were just pretend and he just wanted me to be happy.

Everyone around me is falling, everyone around me is smitten so why am I constantly falling for a boy who is merely an echo from my past, someone I haven’t meant something too for so long? Sat wondering where it all went wrong - why can it never be right place, right time?

They say it takes twenty-one days to make or break a habit but it’s been a year and I still call your name even though I know you’re not here. It’s not easy getting over someone you almost had, maybe it’s harder than letting go of someone you did have. Almost. Almost. Almost.

Perhaps it’s pathetic but, wow, my heart still drops at the sound of your name, my throat still tightens when they talk about you and my eyes still flood when I think too deeply.

I’m sure this feeling went away, the moment you said you didn’t want ‘us’ anymore and I felt everything drop to my stomach. I never thought I’d see you again but, oh god, I did and it hurt but it made everything seem okay again. 

Only you did it again - you said it again and I broke again.

I’m scared of heartbreak and I fear rejection but with you, it seemed impossible so I gave you the opportunity: you took my heart and crushed it in your hands, more than once.

I’m sorry I still cannot get you off my mind. I’m sorry your name runs through my head like it has twice before but right now I’d rather hear your voice than my favourite song.

All I want to do is see you, feel you, be with you but I know if I do my heart will break again, I can’t let you break me thrice when I never had you once.

a fear of the dark

Walking along the beach in the dark never feels calming the way it should. 

People say the soft sounds of the waves bring an air of newness to them, the fresh sea air with a taste of salt and the smells of the sea are clear but are they calm?

Black shoes peppered with chalk and dust from pebbles.

It’s finally a clear night and the abundance of stars shine down upon you slowly walking past the dark trees, it’s too dark for shadows and it’s too late for dog walkers but the stars give you the slightest bit of light you need to breathe and feel okay.

Only, you’re afraid of the dark and all the calm is clouded by the fear. 

The tide is out, you can walk as far as you want, the sound of waves is distant yet prominent. The laughter of you and your friends is the only real sound around; it’d be easy to feel okay.

But, something within you tells you something’s wrong.

Maybe it’s too dark and the small burst of light emerging from your phone doesn’t cover an area large enough to class it as ‘seeing’.  Combined with the distant street lights, nothing is exactly convincing, nothing is promising. But everyone is calm, why aren’t you?

The silhouettes of your friends, the trees and the groynes are blacked out but loud in your mind. They’re all you can see and all you can focus on.

A walk along the beach, with no destination but just a journey is clouded by the late night. 

Perhaps I’m losing myself in the dark, but the thought of losing everyone else is the scarier part. Perhaps I’m losing faith in the calm sea and the cool breeze.

It’s always been one of my safe places but right now it doesn’t feel that way, it doesn’t feel like it does when it’s 10am and I’m walking alone, headphones in, or dipping my feet in the water as the tide comes in. Now the tide is further out than I’ve seen it in a while, although maybe it’s not because I truly can’t see it until I get too close and I don’t feel safe walking that far out.

Maybe a calm trip to the beach at 10pm isn’t a calm trip to the beach but a wave of fear as no form of light is bright enough.

Where is this going?

Sometimes I find it hard to start writing if I don’t have the right font or the right background music. I find it difficult to find the words that not only explain how I feel but that people can understand, I wish I could use a more expansive vocabulary but using a thesaurus doesn’t feel real.

I don’t understand why people cannot be real and why they have to send you mixed messages when they know how you feel. Is it just me or would the world be easier if everyone was straight forward?

This thing is getting me down but the more I talk about it the more I struggle to understand it.

Usually sharing my feelings helps me figure things out myself; I listen to your advice but I’ll take my own - thank you. This time seems different. Everyone else can realise that I’ve been here before and this is just a repeat. . .I know it too, deep down somewhere.

If I spell one word wrong does it make me stupid? I read numbers the wrong way round and I cry too easily. I’m ‘good at school’ but when did that become more important to me than living my life. Why do I get more upset over grades than people and where has this come from. When someone says they haven’t cried in the past month I feel weak and somewhat stupid, I cried just two nights ago but I’m not sure why. Okay I am, I just don’t want to admit it’s because of him.

I get angry too easily, I wish I didn’t. I can’t stop though, no matter how I try. Becoming blunt with people is more usual than unusual it’s just that I want peace and quiet to clear my mind. It hasn’t been clear in a while I don’t know why I’m trying. People talk too much about unnecessary things, they make statements that don’t matter and share untrue information.

I take a walk along the beach and I can’t take my mind off ‘you’, less clearing my mind, more thinking of problems that sparked from no where. Somehow you’re a problem and a solution. This beach is too long and I’ve been here before, once too often. Pebbles with beach winds, I’ll walk until I’m lost, maybe I’ll end up in a different town.

Inspiration hits me but I can only write three paragraphs and none of it makes me feel good. My own writing is boring and I’m unsure why. I cannot inspire myself, how am I meant to inspire others? Why do I want to, why can’t I pick the career path I’m heading to over writing. Or why don’t I believe in myself enough to take a risk into the writing world?
Spending time on my own has become more of a hobby than anything else and no that isn’t sad. I prefer my own company but I wouldn’t say I’m introverted. Being with people is nice but sometimes they don’t understand me like I wish they did. Is that too cliché?

I’m scared of commitment but I’m scared of being alone. Why is my life full of paradoxes? I want you but the timing isn’t right. When is the timing ever right but why is that a problem.

A year is a long time why do people not understand that. Three hundred and sixty five days. How is that not long enough? I’ll smile and we’ll be friends, that’s okay I guess. That’s enough. That’ll have to be enough because I don’t think I’d survive without you in my life somehow.

Maybe I could convince you. Maybe I could make a year enough time.

I’m happy. I’m sad. I’m everything in-between, all at once.

I’m okay.

I’m okay.

When did spilling my feelings on paper become safer than telling my closest friends. When did spilling my feelings on a keyboard lead to realising I had feelings I thought had disappeared.

A ramble, of sorts

Something I do far too often and far too foolishly is put all my happiness in other people - I’m yet to figure out why I do this. Maybe it’s because other people make me happier than I feel I could possibly make myself; but it’s becoming a problem. See, when I talk to a person once or twice I feel a connection, we ‘click’ and suddenly I become attached, I think too much into things and they become the only person I want to talk to. Talking to them makes me happy and not talking to them becomes weird and uncomfortable.

I don’t recommend doing this.

I’m not sure how I started doing this but it’s certainly not a recent thing, for as long as I can remember I’ve been a clingy person (something I’m not afraid (though slightly embarrassed) to admit), I’ve always wanted to keep hold of relationships even when I know they’re over and there’s no going back. I hate losing people.

Something I learnt last year was that part of growing up is losing friends and growing out of relationships with certain people, as we grow we change and as we change our interests change. This is not our fault and not something we should look down on ourselves for. But I do. I learnt that losing friends is part of becoming who you are yet somehow I have to keep learning that because I find letting go of people so hard.

Talking to new people is something I love, or getting to know people I’ve known for a long time but never spoken to much is a huge thing for me. I love talking to people and learning about people but it never seems to end well for me. If we talk for a few weeks there’s a high chance I’ll miss you if we don’t talk for a few days, even if there’s nothing between us. I don’t tend to do this with people I’ve been friends with for a while, or just friends, hm.

I feel like it’s part of my overthinking process. Oh you started a conversation with me yesterday and today? Wow. Perhaps that’s because I struggle to start conversations with people that I assume others do too rather than the fact they’re just looking for a chat. I think too deeply and too anxiously about why he said that and what does that emoji mean. Is that anxiety or is that my love of literature and language going too far? I’m unsure.

Similarly, the overthinking works the other way. They didn’t message me today? Must not like me. Being a bit blunt? Clearly doesn’t like me. Which is crazy because I get blunt and I don’t message people but that doesn’t mean I hate them so why do I feel this way when the roles are reversed?

Attachment to one person is hard because as soon as they’re gone, that happiness is gone and suddenly everything comes crashing, quickly. Every time I learn to pick myself up and put myself together and every other time I forget.

It’s something that can romanticised on social media, specifically tumblr, but it’s not pretty or cute. Putting all your happiness in someone to have it ripped out weeks later is not something worth romanticising. Please find happiness within yourself and within your being.

I’m trying to get out of this, what seems, endless cycle but I find myself falling back into it again and again. 

Sometimes I need to write to get out feelings I’ve been harbouring for too long, I’m sorry this is unstructured and has no relevance to anything but I write things like this a lot and they just get stored on my laptop away from the world but I haven’t posted for a while and maybe it’s worth sharing how I’ve been feeling.

How To Escape

es·cap·ism

əˈskāpˌizəm/

noun

the tendency to seek distraction and relief from unpleasant realities, especially by seeking entertainment or engaging in fantasy.

I feel like a truly important part of life is to have escapisms.

I think that by staying in reality your whole life can be somewhat uncomfortable and overbearing, ignoring the world and blanking out, for me, is a necessity; a vital part of my daily life, if you will.

The great thing about escapisms is that it can come from anything and it doesn’t even have to be something ordinary. They can be individual and as long as it gets you away from the ‘unpleasant realities’ in a safe way, you should never be ashamed or afraid of them.

From writing to exercise, any way you can escape from life and focus on you and one thing is better than focusing on what is happening around you - even if it’s not been a bad day. Sometimes having a good day can still call for a little escape.

Escapisms allow us to move past the reality we are living, they allow us to forget about our stresses and what we’re meant to have done or be doing and that’s great because when life becomes too stressful, there is an easy answer.

I like books that I can so easily get into, movies, or music where I can just sit, close my eyes and really listen to the lyrics and just, not live for a while. I don’t think it’s a bad thing, either, quite the opposite. I think we should be able to escape, not even from ‘unpleasant realities’ just from reality, even if your life is all but perfect, why shouldn’t you be able to forget about everything?

Whether it be a book or music, we each have our own means of escaping from our own realities for a period of time. I’m just wondering how reading a book can transport you from the world we’re all in, to a place where it’s just you and the book - it can, I’m not disputing that, we’ve all experienced it, but how? I think it’s extraordinary.

How is it so easy to forget about the world but still be there, in your room or wherever you may be, to still be alive and breathing in your home town but to feel like you are alive and breathing in Hogwarts or watching the Hunger Games from the Capitol. Or, maybe you’re sat with your eyes closed, favourite song on repeat, and you’re there, in your perfect World, relaxed.

I love it and I truly, truly hope that everyone has their own personal escapism, maybe it’s something I haven’t even mentioned, maybe it’s your own way of surviving the tough times, or the easy times. I think everyone needs an escapism, because how can one live in reality for too long?

For me, my favourite ways to escape reality are either writing or going for a run, both with my headphones in and music going, any playlist where I can listen to every song and enjoy it really helps me to get away from all that’s going on. I think writing sounds obvious and general, maybe it is for people who enjoy it because it honestly is an incredible way to forget your life - creating a life for a fictional person, being able to control their every move, every aspect of their looks and personality. Just to put my headphones in and be alone with my keyboard or a pen and paper. Is running a ‘usual’ escapism? Or do you all think I’m crazy now? I just think that to be outside, running across the beach or around the downs with a beautiful view of my town is a great thinking space, or a space to get everything off your mind - whichever alternative is best for your ‘escapist’ needs.

If you don’t have a perfected escapism, please find one, there is nothing harder than having to go through life without a way of forgetting it all for at least five minutes a day. Whatever it may be; fall in love with a film, create art, workout or put on your favourite playlist and lay on your bed with your eyes closed for a while.

Escape from the world and clear your mind for a while and always have fun doing it.

Feel free to share your escapisms with me and us all.

Love,

Samiie xo

Lost

Some nights leave me speechless in a way I cannot explain.

Some mornings I wake up with not much memory of the night before which is probably for the best.

Laying in bed, at about 10pm last night, everything hit me. All the bad things, all the people I’d lost, all the things I’m missing out on.

I felt empty.

I felt alone.

I couldn’t even take my makeup off, I couldn’t even turn my light off, I couldn’t even go to sleep.

It took me twenty minutes to build the motivation to take off my makeup and even that was slightly forced.

I don’t like to openly talk about these feelings, I don’t like to message my friends when I feel like this, why bring other people down just because I feel a bit sad? People have it worse, people always have it worse.

I wander alone through a field, lost in a tangle of negative thoughts. With not enough room on the shelf or cupboards of my mind they escape, barging out of the places I hide them. I try to push them back but they keep moving forward towards the front of my brain, to the loudest part of my being.

I lay in bed and where I would usually spill words on to a page; I cannot, picking up a pen is hard and I have nothing I want to say.

Except the looming loneliness and fear or rejection, the idea that I haven’t spoken to a certain person in 5 days and how that’s the worst thing that’s happened.

It’s as if loneliness has consumed my entire being and it’s all I can think of. . .maybe that’s where this stems from.

Nothing bad has happened that day. That’s the problem. There is nothing and no one to blame, only myself and my overactive mind. 

But, who doesn’t think too much?
There is nowhere I’d rather be than tucked up in bed falling asleep; but I am there and I hate it.

Maybe this doesn’t make sense.

Nothing bad has happened, just smile, watch something funny, be a little happier, why are you even sad?

I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.

These thoughts don’t come often but they bring a painful thunder and several bolts of lightening. They bring rain storms or hail. 

Somewhere along the line, things turned black and white.

I mean, this isn’t a constant feeling, I feel happy in the moment, I feel fine. It’s just, I look back on the day or week and nothing happened.

Regardless of what happened - nothing happened.

I don’t know why I’m rambling about this but it’s always best to get things off your chest - right?

It just seems to be one thing after another at the moment. I have exams which are always an added stress.
Though summer is getting ever closer (and PLL season 6 ha!) and that seems to be the only thing that brings any brightness.

Anyway, I should be back to posting slightly more regularly soon (she says. . .again), especially come the holidays when I have as much time as I need.

Meeting Your Idols

If you know me through my tumblr, you’ll know I’ve been watching youtube for a few years and I’m pretty much in love with certain youtubers. Throughout my youtube-loving life, I’ve been a huge fan of multiple people; mainly loving the vloggers or beauty gurus.

Another fact to mention is that I live about 30 minutes from Brighton.

People always say they meet youtubers and are so surprised by how nice they are, but it’s never something I really thought about - not many of my favourite youtubers live near me and I’d never go to SITC or any meetups, they’re generally not my scene.

However, today I thought I’d share with you the two times I have been lucky enough to bump into those youtubers I’ve aspired to.

Back in June 2014, me and my friends were going to college (I went to college in Brighton last year), so we were at the train station having got the train from my home town. If you’ve ever been to Brighton station, you’ll know there are some shops around the outside which can be accessed both inside and outside the station. While my friends were getting their lunch from Marks and Spencer, one of my other youtube-loving friends noticed Alfie [Deyes] (pointlessblog), nudging me, we questioned if we should go up and speak to him or not. Before we had decided, he was in the queue and paying for his own items, so we decided to leave him be and wander around the station for a while. As he left the shop, we decided we should speak to him - what’s the harm in asking for a picture? He waited for his train to the side of the station and we went up to speak to him, telling him we were subscribers and loved his videos. He was extremely happy to see us, stood with skateboard and sunglasses in hand. We spoke about how he was going to London and America the next day, how he had broken his sunglasses and had no idea where to get them fixed. As it approached the time we needed to get going to college, we asked for pictures and said our goodbyes. We spoke for about five minutes and throughout he was really nice, polite and seemed to honestly enjoy speaking to us. It was strange to be speaking to someone with over a million subscribers and who I had been watching on my laptop/phone screen for a few years but it was nice to be greeted with a smiling face and a personality exactly the same as the one I had loved on youtube.

Fast forward to April 2015, me, my cousins and a friend go shopping in Brighton. Just to go shopping as it’s half term and it’s sunny. Me and my cousin separate from my other cousin and our family friend and we wander around the shops and laines for a while. As we end up in boots, we realise we’ve done everything we’ve wanted to do and there’s nowhere left for us to go. Heading to the photo department for somewhere to sit down, we wait for our friend to ring us back and sit chatting. Just as our friend rings us back, my cousin looks at me (she was facing the door and I was facing her) and says ‘is that Zoë’, I laugh at her statement as I thought she was joking - we had previously joked about meeting Zoë that day. As I turn round, I have to double take, there she is just walking into boots; looking absolutely flawless. Dressed in a maxi length dress and denim jacket, she looks great. We wait while she gets her photos processed and walk up to her after she takes a photo with another girl. We say ‘hi’ and ask if it would be okay to get a photo, she says ‘of course’ and takes the selfie on my cousins phone, saying it was nice to meet us as she does so. Walking away, me and my cousin are speechless - did we really just meet Zoella?! We call our friend back in excitement, the excitement which continues through the day. Meeting Alfie was one thing, but Zoella with her 7million+ subscribers, own book, own beauty brand, it’s a crazy world. 

I just want to leave with the fact they were both incredible to meet. They were both lovely and so sweet, neither of them seemed at all agitated upon meeting fans and having photos taken - in fact, most people point out how Zoë looks more excited in the photo than we do. It’s a strange world but I truly hope one day you meet the people who’ve inspired you or made you the person you are today. Whether it be idols or internet friends.

Five Years Time

A question everyone will get asked at multiple points in their life is ‘where do you see yourself in 5/10/20 years time?’, especially in your teen years as you’re approaching ‘adult life’. To be completely honest, it’s something I’ve been asking myself for the past year or two.

Where will I be in five years?
What will I be doing in ten years?
But, thinking about it, it’s such a crazy question. Who could possibly say where they’d be in five or ten years, let alone looking forward twenty years.

In five years time, I’ll be 23, mid twenties (ish), I can tell you where I’d like to be, but not where I see myself being. In five years, I’d like to be studying in America, I want to be content with life and I want to have travelled, not a crazy amount, but just a few more places. I want to have been to New York and explored art museums. I hope to have been to London some more, I live so close to London but the opportunity to go rarely arises. I also want to be a lot further through any writing projects I have at the moment.

In ten years time, I’ll be twenty eight, hitting my late twenties. I hope to be living in, or around, New York (the state, not the city, though the city would be incredible). I hope to be an author, but maybe with a more convincing, safe job on the side. I can definitely say I won’t be a published author by twenty eight, so maybe writing will be more of an aside. I hope to have my own apartment, flat or something to call my own. Whether I’m living there alone, with a friend or a partner, I just want somewhere to call my own. I hope to have travelled more, just around America, maybe I’ll have been to California or Nevada. I hope to have completed more of my bucket list, maybe it’ll be nearly done by now.

In twenty years time, I’ll be thirty-eight and that’s nearly forty and that’s quite scary. Maybe I’ll have a family, I would like to by that age. Maybe I’ll have moved out of New York into another state and own my own house, or maybe I’ll still be in New York. Perhaps, I’ll have moved back to England (though, I don’t really want to). I think by that age, the only thing I can really ask for is a happy, healthy family.

I can say all this, I can have all these ambitions but something could happen tomorrow that could change one or all of these things. Anything could happen along the way that would make me have to adjust or completely change these plans. That’s what scares me. Nothing in life is certain and it makes it hard to have ‘plans for the future’. 

Saying that, I believe that everyone should have plans; if you don’t have plans you have nothing to aim for. Stumbling aimlessly through life seems scarier than aiming to be somewhere. Even if your situation changes along the way, even if your dreams change along the way, always have them. Always aspire to be somewhere, be something, be someone.

This leads me to the question, where would you like to be in five years time?

“All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them.” - Walt Disney.

Unmotivated

Recently I’ve been reading a lot.

Blogs, poems, books and the occasional fan fiction (guilty)!

This is great, I love reading and I love the pros that come with it - enjoyment, escaping reality and expanding my vocabulary - the downside? It makes me feel bad about my own writing, it makes me doubt my own ‘talent’.

It’s that feeling when you’re not even good at the one thing you’re good at. I guess writing has always been that thing that I’ve constantly wanted to do, constantly been inspired to do, I’ve always wanted to create a piece a writing, be it write a new blog post, start a new story, attempt a novel or try poetry. Writing has been the one thing that I’ve thought about as both a hobby and a career prospect but sometimes I read other people’s writing and I see how good they are and how well they use language; then I look at my writing and feel genuinely discouraged.

I can’t fluently express a point in a way other people can, I can’t use the same words in the way other people can. It’s as if they’re using this beautiful language and mine is plain, boring and dull. Okay, maybe those words all mean the same thing or have the same connotations but it’s how I feel.

Something I’ve always struggled with is comparing myself to others and silently competing with other people, I constantly feel like I should be as good as other people whether they’ve been practicing something the same length of time as me or they started five years before me.

I didn’t write for a long time in high school, there’s no real reason for this, I just didn’t. It’s left me feeling like I’ve missed out on a chunk of my writing ‘career’ that could otherwise have really changed me as a writer, had I constantly written through those four years (sorry to the rest of England who are at high school for five years, my town is quirky (or just stupid)) then maybe I’d be better, maybe I’d be at a different stage to where I am now, maybe I’d have finished a novel. Four years is a long time and to have missed out on writing for that long, to have missed out on a true passion of mine, is disheartening. It’s not as though I’ve only just got into writing, in fact I have the first ‘story’ I wrote in my bedroom, it’s about seven A4 sides long but I worked hard on it and sometimes I enjoy reading it just to see how far I’ve come.

Maybe it’s because I’m used to my own writing or because I write it myself that I think it’s not good enough but then that seems ridiculous because I’ll often write something that I’m really proud of and I honestly do think is good.

Maybe it’s good that we often become unmotivated with things we long because perhaps periods of distaste for our own work can, in reality, motivate us to do better. I know that after a certain amount of time of not writing I become overly motivated to write a load of things that have been floating around my mind, things almost boil up in my mind and I just want to write about every idea I’ve had.

In the end, I love writing and I wouldn’t stop for the world.

And that’s why I always come back to this blog, it’s like coming home after a holiday or some cliché like that.

I hope that explains why I’ve been gone for a few weeks, also this is an ‘I’m back now (potentially) post’!

Lastly, I have something a little different prepared for next week (she says) so you should all be excited for that - I’m scared but kind of excited *insert all happy and scared and wink emojis*!

Contentment

Do you ever feel completely content with life? Do you ever just have one day where everything seems okay, everything seems to have fallen into place. Even if it’s just for one day.

Even if it’s 1a.m. and you’re lying in bed and looking around your room and just for the moment, everything seems right.

The problem with feeling content is that it never lasts too long. I see a lot of people saying they feel content and the next day it’ll be the opposite. It’s funny that you can feel so content one day and the next you may feel like you’re falling apart; I feel like we should live for that content feeling, we should remember how it felt and that it’s possible for everything to be okay.

I know that it would be hard (but not impossible) to constantly feel okay, to constantly feel at peace with your life - this is why contentment is such a great feeling. You know that you’re okay.

Perhaps you’ve started something new and you’re succeeding at it and it’s making you feel good; maybe you stuck to your schedule; maybe something generally amazing happened that put all your worries aside and you just feel happy. Anything can make you feel content, it’s just what breaks that feeling that I find to be the problem, so I prefer not to focus on it.

When you feel content, it’s almost like life has come to give you a hug and pat you on the back, as though you’ve achieved something; even if you haven’t. It’s that moment where you just wish everything could stay as it is because you wouldn’t mind feeling that for the rest of your life. 

Contentment is defined as ‘a state of happiness and satisfaction’ which, in truth, can be found in mostly anything, so why do we feel it so little? In my opinion, it’s because the more we get, the more we want. It is said that the richer you are, the less giving you are with money because you have more so you want more; of course I am not saying this is true for everyone. I feel like we should all realise that we could have nothing, or a lot less than we have now and just appreciate what we have. It would be hard for me to say ‘look, your life is good, appreciate that’ because I know I’d be a hypocrite to say such thing because, my life is good but sometimes I don’t appreciate that.

It’s only moments like this that make me realise I’m fine and I’m okay and one day I’ll be sat in my own kitchen eating breakfast at 11am on a Sunday morning and regardless of whether I’m alone, with a partner or a family, I’ll have made it. This is how I get through the hard times - I think of contentment and how one day I will be content with life and what I have and I will have made it. All the hard times, all the worries of ‘will I go to uni?’ or ‘will I make it through college?’ will one day be over. And, in all honesty, I think it’s what everyone should live for. Don’t live for your best friends or your pet dog, live for the day where you look back and feel happy that you stayed. Live for the feeling of contentment every day.

Dreaming

I love dream theories and when people look up the meaning behind their dreams and take things from it. I love the idea of writing your dream down as soon as you wake up and then being confused three days later. It’s something I aim to do next year.

But, the best thing about dreams? In my opinion, it’s that, even now, scientist don’t know why we dream. As I said, I love dream theories, I love reading about why people think we dream, however out of blue or well thought out they are. I thought I’d share some with you. (If you’re not into science I really hope these make sense and you enjoy these because it may get very science-y).

1) Wish Fulfilment.

This is a theory that claims that whatever we dream, happy, sad, scary or dull, is us granting ourselves wishes we have now or had in the past. I like this idea, the idea that we once wanted (or currently want) something that maybe we cannot get in reality so instead our brain functions whilst we sleep in a way that allows us to create a scenario in which we achieve that wish. We get what we wanted.

2) Dreaming is a random by-product of REM sleep.

In which dreaming serves no actual purpose. REM stands for rapid eye movement, it is characterised by quick, random movements of the eyes and paralysis of the muscles, therefore dreaming occurs as a by-product of this. It is not necessary, it serves no purpose and has no meaning in the long run.

3) The"reverse learning" theory.

This theory suggests that we dream to be rid of undesirable connections (or associations) that build up in our brain. As if our dreams are a garbage collection mechanism. It says we dream to forget, to eliminate information overload. If there is something we do not wish to remember, it goes in the ‘garbage collection’ into a dream and is forgotten. (Which seems odd to me, seeing as we remember our dreams a lot of the time).

4) Consolidating what we’ve learnt.

Contradicting the previous theory, this one says we dream to remember. It is based on many studies and explains that we retain information better when we dream about what we’ve learnt. If there is something about our day, or week, that we ‘need’ (or want, I assume) to remember, it becomes a dream and we remember it.

5) Painful emotions = symbolic associations.

To me, this suggests that our dreams help us to link certain emotions with a thing. So, your dreams deal with certain emotions, but emotions do not specifically cause dreams. It means that when we go through a certain emotion we are more likely to have a dream related to that emotion, or an opposite emotion.

I feel like that was as least science-y as I could make it.

Whilst personally, I cannot identify with many of these theories, I am not dismissing them. They all intrigue me and make sense in their own right and maybe they all have impacts on us. As someone who enjoys the science behind everyday things and also researching things, I find it fascinating that such an obvious thing as dreaming does not yet have a definitive reason or explanation.

If you research a little deeper, you can find so many websites with their own explanation, or a list of explanations as to why we dream, but why do we not have one that everyone knows? Mainly, of course, because science has not yet developed the technology to discover such thing but as science improves and new things appear every week, what happens when we do know? Won’t it be scary to know what is causing these dreams that are so abstract and often weird? Will it be exciting, perhaps we could create our own dreams, further than lucid dreaming¹, beyond anything before? I feel it could be somewhere between the two but I feel like it won’t be too long before we truly know the science between dreaming.

¹A dream in which you are aware you are dreaming, you can learn to lucid dream and therefore chose your dreams, I believe.

You Are Art

Have you ever looked deep into someones eyes?
Have you ever looked at your veins close up?
Have you ever looked at human tissue or a cell under a microscope?
Have you ever just taken a second to look at how beautiful humans are?
You probably hear this a lot, especially if you’re on tumblr; but honestly, I find every part of a human so beautiful and artistic. I’ve noticed the connection between the human body (inside and out) and the sky or the galaxy. Honestly, they’re not different at all and once you notice this I feel like you can take a different view of the world.

Some people draw art, some people are art.

Everyone is beautiful and every part of a human is art, is poetry.

I cannot describe how it feels to look at someone after you realise that you’re just made up of so many atoms just like the night sky. There is all these tiny atoms, whirling around to make up a human and you are stardust. You have stars in your eyes and galaxies running through your veins. You are beautiful and nothing can take that away from you. You represent the galaxy because you are your own galaxy, your own infinity and this is all you should ever view yourself as.

I take biology at college and you wouldn’t believe how many cells there are just looking out for you, each doing their own thing to make sure you survive and to make sure you’re doing okay. Fighting infection, killing bad bacteria. They all just want you to be okay, they’re all there just to protect you and I like that.

These cells inside you (which, themselves, look beautiful under microscopes) work so hard to keep you looking healthy, to keep you feeling okay.

I think my favourite post on tumblr is one that compares human features, which are usually ‘looked down upon’ compared to flowers to show that you are beautiful. Have you ever looked at a flower and found it unattractive or displeasing? I haven’t. Similarly, humans are all beautiful, every single one of them. Maybe you find someone unattractive but that doesn’t mean they aren’t beautiful, does it? 

The great thing about the human brain is that everyone’s is wired differently, just because one person doesn’t find you good looking doesn’t mean no one else will and you’ll never spend your life being unattractive.

Please do not let anyone tell you that you’re not good enough because you have galaxies inside of you, growing and increasing, you are a human with a life and you will always be good enough; no matter what anyone says. All the time you’re making an effort to be a good human, you are a good human. No one and nothing will ever take the stars from inside you so never let anyone take the glimmer from your eyes as you speak about something you love. Don’t let anyone tell you that sparkle isn’t enough; everything about you is good enough.

Never forget that.

Spring

As February draws to a close and March is just around the corner, spring appears to be breaking through. I like these last weeks of February, you still have a  slight windchill factor but the sun is out and the clouds are minimal. Whilst the weather is mostly unpredictable and you can never tell one day from the next, I feel like the end of winter is the best part, the calm of knowing that soon you will be surrounded by the perfect blossoms and warmer weather.

March 20th shows the start of spring and whilst that is still just under a month away, preparation is key. Spring is beautiful, everything is alive and well. Flowers bloom and the trees grow again, it’s as if everything has come to life.

Spring is the best time for walks along the beach, it’s not overwhelming heat but it’s nice enough and the sea still looks beautiful. Waking up in the morning isn’t dull and dark, there’s a light that awakens you and brings you out of bed without the thought of wanting to go straight back to your slumber.

I sometimes struggle when the ‘what’s your favourite season’ question comes up, usually I say autumn but when spring comes around I question myself and wonder what is so beautiful in the death of the trees when you can see the rebirth with the warm weather; the happiness that comes around with no fear of an early darkness surrounding you.

Spring is the time to put all your words into action; plan in winter and move forward in spring. Use the better conditions to make progress in your projects; take motivation from the way everything is growing and use it to grow for yourself. The air is fresh and clean, with plants working for us so work with them.

With an extra spring in your step, anticipate summer and be prepared for the break it brings. Remember how you felt in winter and improve on it. Spring and autumn become the ‘in between’ seasons, waiting for summer or winter, but I feel that they are the nicer seasons, somewhat calmer.

It’s strange how the seasons change slowly but they’re so different and each so beautiful in themselves. But spring, spring the start of new life, it brings around new beginnings and you should embrace them in every way you can. Embrace spring and be at one with spring.

A great excerpt I’ve found from an Ernest Hemingway book is:

“With so many trees in the city, you could see the spring coming each day until a night of warm wind would bring it suddenly in one morning. Sometimes the heavy cold rains would beat it back so that it would seem that it would never come and that you were losing a season out of your life.”

I find it so accurate, sometimes it feels like spring is never coming but if you wait, it will come, it always comes and yet every year we await it.