I don’t think I ever understood how people saw galaxies in other people until I looked into his eyes, I saw the moon and stars swirling in a sea of blue. I saw the universe appear and disappear as his eyes opened and closed; the way the night sky disappears as you slowly fall asleep.
I never imagined a feeling so deep but when he laughed so hard that his face crinkled in on itself I’ve never wanted to hold on to someone so much.
I don’t know if I’ll ever get how you can fall so hard without the feeling being mutual. When I looked at him I saw the world, I saw everything I ever wanted to see; when he looked back he saw nothing but a friend, someone who’d be there to talk about other girls too.
When he giggles, ruffles his hair and it pains me to think about how happy it made me, how happy he made me with all his little quirks. People say the point of loving someone isn’t thinking they are perfect but noticing their flaws and loving them anyway; maybe that’s what I did, though love is the wrong word. A strong feeling because I saw his flaws, I could recognise them but I liked him anyway.
I knew the words he spoke at 3am when he was over tired but didn’t want to sleep, I knew the feelings he hid to create his persona; because your naked soul is a sacred thing - it shouldn’t be thrown around. . .so why did he let me see his when he just wanted to throw me away.
It’s the memory from another time, another place but it consistently blows up in my mind when yet again I cannot stop missing him. Because, many months ago he broke you but today you remembered something he said, ‘but, it makes you happy when I call you baby?’; suddenly an explosion of memories, everything he said that made you happy and you want that back, you miss the late night conversations - you miss the small things.
You see, I’m scared of the dark but walking along the beach at night with him has never been more calming, I’ve never felt safer than wrapped in his arms.
I’ve never felt more alone than when he threw me away like I was nothing.
I’ve never felt more pain than when I told him my deepest secrets and he told me it was my fault, that it was just a phase.
I’ve never felt more upset than when he told me all his feelings were just pretend and he just wanted me to be happy.
Everyone around me is falling, everyone around me is smitten so why am I constantly falling for a boy who is merely an echo from my past, someone I haven’t meant something too for so long? Sat wondering where it all went wrong - why can it never be right place, right time?
They say it takes twenty-one days to make or break a habit but it’s been a year and I still call your name even though I know you’re not here. It’s not easy getting over someone you almost had, maybe it’s harder than letting go of someone you did have. Almost. Almost. Almost.
Perhaps it’s pathetic but, wow, my heart still drops at the sound of your name, my throat still tightens when they talk about you and my eyes still flood when I think too deeply.
I’m sure this feeling went away, the moment you said you didn’t want ‘us’ anymore and I felt everything drop to my stomach. I never thought I’d see you again but, oh god, I did and it hurt but it made everything seem okay again.
Only you did it again - you said it again and I broke again.
I’m scared of heartbreak and I fear rejection but with you, it seemed impossible so I gave you the opportunity: you took my heart and crushed it in your hands, more than once.
I’m sorry I still cannot get you off my mind. I’m sorry your name runs through my head like it has twice before but right now I’d rather hear your voice than my favourite song.
All I want to do is see you, feel you, be with you but I know if I do my heart will break again, I can’t let you break me thrice when I never had you once.
